This Lady's Got Skills

For about ten years, I've loved to read "Undressed!" on MSN.com (don't worry...it's not like it sounds...it's a celebrity fashion faux pas website). Kat Giantis is one of the best writers whose work I've read, so if you need a good laugh and an easy-to-swallow vocabulary lesson, click here.

Could It Be OCD?

I feel like I'm fairly laid back; I realize that I cannot control every event in my life and for the most part, I can roll with whatever happens. There are, however, a few things that stay on my mind to the point of interrupting my daily proceedings. First, blogging. I obviously have an obsession that is bordering on unhealthy; I guess I need an outlet of some sort because I continually think of topics to blog and run to the computer every chance I get. Adam and the girls now call me Violet, as in Screech's nerdy girlfriend who is a total computer geek.

Second, loading of the dishwasher. I had such a struggle to bite my tongue and leave the room to avoid reorganization of dishes in the dishwasher when we had company last week. My Dr. Jeckyl personality realizes that it is so helpful to me that my guests actually load the dishwasher and that I should be absolutely thankful for their willingness to pitch in, but my Mrs. Hyde personality secretly screamed every time I noticed someone putting a dinner fork in the soup spoon slot of the utensil holder and dropping the butter knives in the slots with the blades facing upward. I mean, come on...what dishwasher unloader on this planet can grab those upward-facing utensils and put them in the drawer without getting hand germs on the surfaces that go into other people's mouths (not to mention avoid getting stabbed a zillion times)? How much time does a person waste sorting out the tangle of tines and blades of forks and knives that are intermixed while unloading the clean untensils? It's all about efficiency, people!

Last, folding of towels. My mom drilled into my head the "proper" way to fold towels, to resemble those found in department stores and hotels (I have since learned that each household has a different "proper" way...go figure). I cannot look in a linen closet and leave it alone if the towels are folded in quarters, say, instead of my half-half-thirds method. It's all I can do to keep myself from ripping the towels off every shelf and re-folding them. The same goes for laundry of any sort. I have my ways and I like them. I even almost told Adam not to fold the gargantuan pile of laundry today because I didn't want to have to re-fold my undies or turn the articles of clothing right-side-out. Why can't I be more like a man in the laundry regard?

So, here's the question of the day: What the $@#& is wrong with me?! I really do appreciate the help and would much rather play with my kids (or blog, he he he) instead of do laundry or dishes. Hopefully I can continue to squelch my developing OCD and learn to just chill out.

Hey 'Lil Mama

Always the multi-tasker, I spent bedtime folding laundry in my room while Karli tried to wind down and Rex screamed at the top of his lungs for about fifteen minutes while wriggling around in his crib. Karli said, "Mom, Wexy need to share my blantet. He want to." Since I had quite enough of the screaming, I lifted him out of the crib and laid him down next to Karli. She immediately spread her blanket across his lower body, snuggled up, and sang "Happy Working Song" from Enchanted to Rex until he fell asleep. It was so darling and I'm still impressed by her nannying skills. I have a new bedtime helper...yay!

Seven-Year Itch

I've been crazy about Aerosmith for fourteen years now, and my dad surprised Adam and me with tickets (awesome seats) when the band came to Salt Lake seven years ago. The concert was phenomenal and I loved them even more after I saw their live show. Yesterday I broke out some A-tunes for a major rockin'-out-in-the-car jam session and decided it's high time we see another Aerosmith show. Giddyup!

The Golding of the Leaves

While watching Thumbelina with my girls the other day, I was amused when the Fairy King and Queen participated in "the golding of the leaves." I found that phrase to be utterly charming because fall is my favorite season. I'm glad I took these pictures yesterday from our deck because they highlight the beautiful, golden landscape that I adore. Enjoy!

Grandpa Smith, M.D.

Growing up, I only saw a doctor when it was mandated by county code or when my life was in serious danger. My mom is a big fan of the phrase "Walk it out", so my siblings and I never really had regular check-ups after age two unless a bone was protruding from our skin or we couldn't breathe. Thus, I never had a flu shot until I married Adam and had free and easy access to the vaccine thanks to Adam's wonderful Grandpa Smith. Now, flu shots are an annual event in the Clark home. Grandpa is so nice to pay for the vaccine and administer them to all of the adults in the family after a nice Sunday dinner. It sure beats waiting at the doctor's office!

Here I am signing the roster and dreading my impending shot.

The older I get, the less I can stand having needles poked into me. I am naseous just posting this picture!

It's a good thing you can't see my face in this shot because I'm sure I was on the verge of tears and vomit. My fists were clenched so tightly that my fingernail cut the palm of my hand!

Grandpa Smith is one of the kindest and most generous people I know. He is over 80 years old and still works at the State Health Department. He's so talented and smart and I'm lucky to be able to have him in my life.

Choncho and Rexy

Rex made a new best friend over the past week: my sweet nephew, Hunter. They are about 18 months apart but I think they'll grow up to be great pals. Anytime Rex was awake, Hunter would saunter over and say, "Reh!" and tickle his toes or give him a kiss. Rex got a big kick out of all the attention.

Hunter seemed thrilled to be able to hold Rex.

See how excited Rexy is?

Hunter is no small fry; he's not even two yet and he dwarfs Karli and Gracie. Hence, his oldest sister Brooklyn dubbed him "Choncho" after the darling little boy in Nacho Libre. I love that nickname and I adore Hunter!

Potty Progress Update

I made it through a whole day without changing a single one of Karli's diapers, which means she used the potty about 14 times in one 24-hour period! I'm thrilled! I know this picture is of a somewhat questionable nature (Hope Floats, anyone?), but I'm so excited about her newfound skills and it's so cute that I just have to post it. Please pardon my attempt at censorship; Karli is proud to show off her token look: nudie.

Potty Progress

Today was a joyous day; Karli wore panties for several hours and even came inside from playing (on her own volition, mind you) and used the bathroom ALL BY HERSELF! She recognized that she had to go! Hooray! I didn't even care that she pooped all over in her panties five minutes later. I will be thrilled when she's totally trained.

The Birth of a Ya Ya Tradition

For all of you doubters out there, I'm here to testify that the Ya Ya Sisterhood sale at Thanksgiving Point is a blast and I'm making it a tradition! Aside from the fantastic bargains on tons of great furniture, decor, etc., there was lots of delicious food samples, fun booths for glitter toes and lip/eyebrow waxing, a burning of woes, a lantern decorating contest, door prizes (I won two free cooking classes at the Emporium Kitchen, yay!), chocolate-dipped fortune cookies and great music.

I met my dear friend Tiffany there and we had fun catching up on our families' crazy lives, checking out all of the darling fare and wishing we had an unlimited supply of cash so we could let loose and purchase everything we loved. Isn't Tiff's witch hat the best? She is an amazing woman and I love spending time with her. I had originally planned to leave all of the kids home with Adam, but as I walked out the door, both Amber and Karli said, "We want to go to the girl party, too!" and cried and sobbed until I caved in and let them tag along. It was actually really fun to have them there, and they looked adorable in their Halloween costumes (Amber was Ariel and Karli was Tinkerbell). I am definitely making this event a tradition in my family, and maybe next year I'll have some funds to buy something really fabulous like the black leather Queen Anne chair that was screaming to me "buy me right now!"

Nothing makes me feel like a hot mama more than fake eyelashes, a hot dress and stiletto boots!

One of the ladies working at the party gave me the name Countess Fiesty Pants. I got a cool sash and everything. Me, fiesty? Nah...

I borrowed all of my sisters' cool makeup and even some false eyelashes encrusted with rhinestones. I LOVE funky makeup and had a grand time creating and sporting this multi-colored look.

I'm already thinking about what to wear to next year's party, and I'm certainly going to make time to decorate a lantern according to the plan I had for this year (which was unfortunately squelched due to lack of kid-free time over the past week, but oh well). So, bring on the competition and the sisterhood. Ya ya!

A Blessing in our Lives

Adam blessed Rex on Wednesday night at our house. It was great to have Greg, Jake, Rob, Ryan, Brad, and Bishop Tintle here to stand in the circle, and Adam gave Rex a good and interesting blessing. I don't know if it's dumb to think so, but I always stew and worry over possibly problematic phrases in my kids' blessings, like when Adam told Rex "you'll have sorrow in your life". Perhaps it won't be any more sorrow than everyone else experiences, but I always wonder if it means something awful will happen. I guess I'll just have to wait and see (and be prepared for the worst!).

Rex was fairly well-behaved thanks to Rob, who volunteered his thumb for Rex to suck on during the blessing. Afterward, we all had brownie sundaes (why does that word have an "e" instead of a "y" on the end?) and chocolate chip cookies. It was a wonderful evening!

This our family picture, Clark style, with no one smiling.

Notice how hard I'm trying to keep a straight face? I guess some

people feel dumb smiling in pictures and I feel dumb not smiling in pictures.

Isn't Rex the cutest? He's so jolly and adorable and I love having a boy.

Cousins, Sleepovers, Mayhem and Bliss

We've had lots of family here for a week and it has been a blast! It's great to have almost everyone here (we miss Dave, Maren, and Libs) for Brooklyn's birthday, Greg's birthday, Rex's blessing, and Jessica's baby shower. Aside from the aforementioned events, we've had tons of fun just hanging out, eating way too much yummy food and being goofy. We will be so sad when everyone goes home (the worst thing: I won't have an excuse not to do laundry anymore!), but hopefully we'll reunite for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

The girls each got a pair of these crazy glasses in their

goodie bags at Brooklyn's birthday party.

Karli, Ashley and me being silly.

Amber's silly face.

52 Hours of Hell and Happiness

We are lucky to have lots of guests at the house this week: Amy and Rob, Brooklyn, Alyssa, Ashley, Hunter, Jessica and Jaxon, and Grandma and Grandpa Clark. We spent several days decorating, cleaning, making beds, folding towels, and excitedly gearing up for the hours of madness and delight that inevitably brew when we all get together. Sadly, though, we also noted the arrival of our not-so-welcome house guest, Sickness, who plagues us with its presence every year from October to June, and sometimes even pops up unannounced for a weekend stay in July or August. If you are related to a child under the age of six, you certainly know of whom I'm speaking and I'd wager Sickness has even made a place for itself in your home, too.

Thanks to this annoying visitor, Amber, Karli, and Rex's stellar sleeping habits have been upended, and we are yet again facing three kids in the bed with us each night. As if it weren't bad enough to have a few gunky, runny noses sliming our pillowcases, there are also twelve flailing limbs, convulsing involuntarily with every cough and sniff, that disrupt the twenty-three-or-so minutes of sleep Adam and I get between episodes of crying by one or more of our poor, miserable kids. Needless to say, these wonderful moments create poor, miserable parents who can't cope with the daytime symptoms of children's colds. Thus, our great friend Sickness plunges us into a cycle of whining, yelling, crying, nose blowing, not eating, not sleeping, and bothering all of our patient and gracious guests who are tolerating the ruckus with remarkable kindness and understanding.

Our wonderful friends (the Larsons) blessed their adorable little baby today. We have not seen them for a month and a half, so we excitedly began preparing for the ride to Grantsville early on Saturday to be sure we made it on time to the nine o'clock meeting. The car was packed carefully with snacks, sippy cups, toys, blankies, and plenty of diapers, and I dodged a humongous mess in the kitchen (caused by a major faucet malfunction/replacement) to make some cinnamon rolls to contribute to the post-blessing feast (gotta love Mormonism, huh!?). While I baked, Amber woke up first (around 12:30 a.m.), but Adam valiantly tucked her back into bed and assured her she'd be fine. Ten minutes later, Karli woke up and spent the next three hours, yes...that's right...three hours, whining, "Mommy, hold me" and reaching up to me as I removed dough from the racks and coils after my too-small bowl failed to contain the burgeoning yeasty mass that rose magnificently in the oven. Since multi-tasking is one of my talents that motherhood has magnified, I formed the rolls and baked each of the three pans using only one hand and held a sobbing, sniffing Karli with the other. Once the rolls were frosted and wrapped securely for the journey ahead, the two of us headed upstairs to catch two hours of sleep before the Sunday activities commenced.

Upon realizing that I had snoozed through my alarm clock for an hour, I jumped into the shower and promptly awoke everyone to get ready to go. At 8:00 a.m., we were out the door (only 15 minutes behind schedule, which isn't too bad when Sickness is along for the ride). Rex's car seat was malfunctioning, Amber had green snot all the way down her face, and Karli was yet again whining and screaming because she wanted me to hold her. Finally, when we were all secure in the car, we backed up to the accompaniment of loud grinding and flopping noise coming from our rear tire. It looked fine, so we headed down the road. Five minutes later, Amber (I need Sarah Palin to say "Bless her heart" right now) notified us that she had an accident in her car seat. If you haven't read any of my previous posts, an "accident" is one of major proportions involving bodily waste. Since I had packed everything in the car except a portable shower, a washing machine, and a change of clothes, we had no choice but to turn around and head home. Can I just tell everyone right now that Sickness is no longer welcome at the Clark home? I've had it!

I couldn't even call Leslie to tell her we couldn't make the blessing because I was crying too hard, and then the girls started crying, and then Rex started crying, and Adam wasn't crying, but he was uttering some choice phrases. Finally we were all back inside the house, warming up and cleaning up (did I mention it snowed five inches last night?), and everyone enjoyed some yummy cinnamon rolls for breakfast. It is great to have family that is so understanding and helpful, because they all diffused our anxiety to the point that we could function enough to put the kids down for early naps. My nieces are great with the kids and they make me so excited to have "big girls" who can help me like they do. Now, I just need to find a way to give Sickness the boot and resolve to have a blast with our out-of-town family members despite our horrifically whiny kids, and I think the rest of this week will go swimmingly. After all, what can be worse than the last two days (knock on wood for me, please!)?

Any Takers?

I received a delightfully funky flyer in the mail on Saturday inviting me to the annual Ya-Ya Sisterhood gathering at Thanksgiving Point on October 18th. It looks like it will be a hoot, and I'm wondering if any of you have attended in the past. If so, is it worth going? I must say that I am thoroughly excited to dress up in crazy regalia, decorate a lantern for the contest, and head on down to Emporium (one of my favorite shops) to view the spectacle that is hundreds of housewives decked to the nines. If anyone is interested in going together, I'd love to have a companion or two or ten. Check out the Ya Ya Sisterhood Gathering website and let me know if you want to attend conmiga.

UPDATE: I went in to Emporium today and aside from seeing about a million amazing things I want for my bedroom and kitchen, I found out that all Halloween/Fall decor will be 40% off during the Ya Ya event, and Christmas decor will be 25% off. They are having the Glitter Toes ladies there as well as food from Melting Pot (come on, Amy!). It will be great fun and I'm for sure going!

Eight Things

I was tagged by Elaine. This post is fun for me because I can hardly ever choose one favorite thing.

8 TV shows I love to watch- Project Runway, Ace of Cakes, The Shield, Dr. 90210, America's Next Top Model, Top Chef, Top Design, Red Eye

8 things I did yesterday- Did the dishes, watched conference, decorated for Halloween, changed lots of diapers, cooked hamburgers, played with Ryker and Stephanie, sat in the hot tub, hung out with Adam

8 things I'm looking forward to- Rex's blessing, pay day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the day after the Bar exam (in February), California in March, eventually buying our own house

8 things on my wish lists- a vacation with Adam, to be out of debt, a Corvette Stingray (shiny red, of course!), 2 extra hours in each day specifically for my workout time, a new wardrobe, a total-body lift/tuck/straightening/ehnancement by a top surgeon, a great job for Adam, a cute house in the mountains

8 people I'm tagging-Jessica, Stephanie L., Stephanie C., Kacey, Tiffany, Maren, Amy, Kallie

Sass-A-Frass

Amber loves gum, and is usually very good not to take it out of her mouth, leave it anywhere but the trash can, and spit it out before she goes to sleep. This morning, though, I found a lump of pink ABC gum embedded in the bottom of her hair. Since she's been needing a hair cut for quite a while, I asked her if I could do the honors. She thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure. I don't want to have long hair like Kinzi's any more...I want to have short hair like LuLu!" (She was referring to two of my adorable nieces.) I trimmed her hair and here are the darling results:

After taking this picture, I said, "Okay, now do a cute pose" and this is what she produced:

I think Amber has watched waaaaaaay too many episodes of "America's Next Top Model" (thanks to my shameless addiction), but even so, she sure is a fierce little cutie-pie!

Sure Was a Crappy Day

Today started out great: Karli used the potty twice, Amber let me cut three inches off her perpetually tangled hair, and Rex actually got bathed. I did the dishes right after breakfast (a rare and exciting accomplishment) and we were all ready to go by noon. We drove over the mountain, through Suncrest, to enjoy the spectacular views on the way to Sandy for some administrative errands to complete Adam's Bar exam application, and were delighted to find out that he has no speeding tickets left on his driving record. Since the day was going so well, we decided to visit a park where Adam used to play as a kid. It had a great playground with lots of old school equipment like a dinosaur-shaped climbing apparatus and a teeter totter with horses for seats.

As Adam and I sat on the bench watching the girls frolic, we noticed that Amber kept digging at her perma-wedgie (she recently grew about four inches and needs a bigger size in undies...that's on my to-do list). Finally, she settled down on a swing and I said, "Do you keep getting wedgies?" As calmly as can be, she replied, "No. I did poops in my panties." and kept right on swinging like nothing was wrong. When I said, "You can't be serious," she said, "I am serious. I pooped in my panties." ARRRRRGGGHHHH!

I suddenly noticed that the whole back side of her shorts was brown, meaning the mess had seeped through the undies and shorts, and was inching its way up her back and front. I hate to be graphic, but this was not the kind of mess that can be dumped into a toilet. I had to throw away her panties and shorts, and it took an entire package of wipes (brand new this morning) to clean her off. Aside from covering her whole lower trunk, she had it on her hands (from digging out the wedgies, of course), legs and feet, and I honestly had to bite my lip to keep from throwing up everywhere. I was fighting back tears, too, because poop and vomit duty are two areas of motherhood that I just can't handle.

Finally, Amber was barely clean enough to be buckled in her carseat, and we made our way to the nearest McDonald's to use the soap and sink. I walked in with Amber who was sporting an adorable little white tunic, a tiny diaper (Rex's), filthy feet, and poopy flip-flops. I was expecting at any moment to be handed a large, gold-plated figurine of Jerry Springer with the title "White Trash Citizen of the Year" carved into it (courtesy of a pocket knife or car key) by any one of the six soccer moms with darling and sparkling-clean-karate-student children who were all sitting right by the door. Eventually, Amber took a makeshift bath in the sink and was thoroughly soaped down, so we headed on our way.

The story only gets better (worse for us, though)...today is my niece's birthday, so we quickly ran home to grab new undies and shorts for Amber before I needed to be dropped off at the gym where I teach. Adam and the kids then went out to Kinzi's house for her surprise party. Upon calling Adam for a ride home, he said, "Amber just peed all over the place and through her underwear and shorts!" What the $%#&!? Twice in one day?! What have we done wrong?

After a long, calm discussion between Amber and Dad (I was too disgusted and annoyed to say anything), we realized that Amber is feeling really bad that Karli gets a treat every time she uses the potty and Amber only gets them occasionally. Amber also told me that she felt sad all day because when I lay down by her last night, I turned my head toward Karli instead of her and that she "kind of doesn't like it when I yell at her so much because it makes little kids hide because they are scared of yelling moms and grown-ups." I listened intently and tried not to laugh and cry at the same time, and desperately hoped that tomorrow will be a day free from yelling and accidents involving bodily waste.

Hello, I'm Phyllis Neffler

Adam and I got called to be the den leaders of the Bears in Cub Scouts, which means that once a week, three times a month, I'm going to have three eight-year-old boys come to my house and expect to be entertained by activities that don't involve pink, sparkly dress-up clothes or painted toenails. Whatever will we do? All I can say is I'm thrilled that Adam is my partner in this endeavor...otherwise, those poor boys' parents might have a thing or two to say to the Primary president. :)
I am actually really excited for this calling; maybe now I'll find out what boys like to do and how to respond to their gross humor and seemingly ridiculous antics so that when Rex is eight years old, I won't be encouraging him to do something utterly feminine like donning a Giorgio backpack and smashing his way through the underbrush with a tennis racquet.

Ravenous Rex

For several weeks, Rex has tried valiantly to swipe food from our hands, drink from our cups, and shove everything he can grab into his mouth. We bought him some rice cereal yesterday and he couldn't have been more excited to wolf it down. He knew exactly what to do; when I held the spoon up to his mouth, he leaned forward and gulped down the cereal like he hadn't eaten in days.

Once he realized cereal had spilled on his hand, he wouldn't let one bit go to waste.

He sucked his fingers clean after every bite, which was cute but annoying because he wouldn't take them out of his mouth once the cereal disappeared down the hatch.

Finally he learned that he could get more food faster if he removed his fist from his mouth. This kid takes after his cousin Hunter...he loves to eat (obviously; just look at those chubby arms)!

ExZOOberance

Amber, Karli, and I met Stephanie, Gracie, Cooper, Emily, Will, and Tate at Hogle Zoo on Friday. It was fun to have a "girls' day out" (Adam kindly watched Rex) and enjoy the wonderful weather and fun animals. The girls had a blast seeing the creatures and I liked meeting a new friend and spending some time with my cool sister-in-law.

All of the kids tried to scare the poor lynx to make it wake up. It stayed put and ignored them...I don't blame it one bit!

We couldn't find the tiger anywhere, which is a shame, because it's pretty cool to see a huge tiger swimming around its habitat.

Karli, Cooper, Gracie, Amber...my kind of zoo animals.

We watched the bird show and it was great! We saw lots of interesting and talented birds, but the bald eagle was my favorite.

Now that we know Rex will drink formula from a bottle, I think the girls and I will have to do a little more playing. Shopping, anyone?!