Serenity Now!

Frank Costanza says it best when he screams, "Serenity now!" in the middle of a stressful situation. I'm going to start doing this as well, since I clearly need a mechanism for coping with stress. This morning we had a cheerleading competition that turned out to be a disaster. Here's a recap:

6:30 a.m. Wake up, shower, burn CD of competition music
7:00 a.m. Put the kids in the tub, construct four messy buns, find four white socks, head downstairs
8:00 a.m. Attempt to get the kids to eat
8:10 a.m. Listen to CD four times to verify proper working order...check!
8:31 a.m. Don shoes and coats, grab gigantic diaper bag full of baby gear, cheerleading gear, children's entertainment items, food, etc.
8:45 a.m. Load three carseats into my mom's Suburban, hit the road
9:30 a.m. Arrive at competition, register, and enjoy one last moment of peace and quiet
9:55 a.m. Escort twelve two-to-four-year-olds through a maze of screaming tweens, cranky and obsessive parents, and idiotic competition staff members to the practice gym for warm-up
9:56 a.m. Answer Adam's call to tell him where to be to watch the competition while helping six Tiny Tot cheerleaders build a pyramid
9:58 a.m. Answer Adam's call to tell him to wait outside and I'll find him and give him his ticket
9:59 a.m. Get kicked off the practice mat before our turn is over because the competition is ahead of schedule and we're supposed to be on the performance mat in the other gym
10:00 a.m. Drag my two crying daughters and ten other cheerleaders to the performance gym and run onto the mat
10:01 a.m. Convince all twelve girls to assemble in their formation instead of standing right next to each other
10:02 a.m. Start the music, do the routine in front of the mat, instantly freak out when the music stops playing halfway through
10:03 a.m. Coax all twelve girls to finish the routine even though the music has stopped
10:05 a.m. Head out to the commons to find Adam standing there, missing his Bar prep class, waiting for his ticket so he can watch his daughters perform (who had just performed)
10:06 a.m. Fight back tears for being a crappy wife while explaining to seven frustrated moms that I don't know what happened to the music
10:07 a.m. Assemble 12 Mini cheerleaders and escort them through a maze of screaming tweens, cranky and obsessive parents, and idiotic competition staff members
10:15 a.m. Realize my practice stereo won't work and take the Mini cheerleaders through their routine twice without music (no stunts hit, they couldn't remember their formations, and we didn't know which way we would face in the gym)
10:20 a.m. Run on the mat and direct traffic to get everyone in their proper places
10:21 a.m. Kneel down and flail frantically while trying to get the cheerleaders to catch up with their music
10:22 a.m. Music stops again; girls run around with no clue of what to do while I'm whisper-screaming "Keep going! Keep going!"
10:23 a.m. Fight back tears again
10:24 a.m. Leave the gym, move to commons to regroup
10:25 a.m. Face four more frustrated moms and secretly avoid one mom on purpose (what can I say...I'm a wimp!)
10:45 a.m. Move three carseats from the Suburban to our Honda, pack the double stroller, the gigantic diaper bag, the broken stereo, and a bag of 48 pom poms into the trunk while listening to three kids whining and crying
11:00 a.m. Head for home with an immense stress headache
11:37 a.m. Adam (who hasn't slept for 36 hours) falls asleep while driving and we narrowly escape a wreck
11:43 a.m. Walk through the door and contemplate faking a collapse from exhaustion a la Paris Hilton and/or Mariah Carey
2:40 p.m. Blog about it for some well-deserved therapy and closure

A Very Strange and Distrubing Dream

I fell asleep while lying down by Karli tonight. I don't know what conditions manifested in my subconscious to produce such a weird combination of ideas and occurrences, but the result was a truly disturbing dream that had me awake and nervous after only an hour of sleep. Hence, I sit at the computer for some blog-therapy since I don't want to risk having another dream like that, ever. It was way too creepy and involved me as a volunteer at a mental hospital where my patient slowly turned into a character who looked like Gollum on Lord of the Rings and became more weird and invasive every day. This thing, named Zoal, had problems that started showing up in my own kids and eventually, everyone with whom I associated at the hospital was suffering from Zoal's afflictions. Add to this the presence of several of my cheer students wearing sparkly, royal blue leotards and tutus and you'll know the level of my psychosis. Shudder.

Yes, I AM Getting Implants

Someday soon! If you are TMI-phobic, then read no more. I weaned Rex over the past month and can safely say that my upper body has finally settled into its postpartum shape (or shapeless, in this case). The metamorphasis must be done now because frankly, there is nothing else left to disappear. It is completely depressing and has me wondering if breastfeeding really is worth the sacrifice. I wasn't even this small in ninth grade! For consolation, I guess I'll just dream about being on the show Dr. 90210 (Dr. Li is my hero!). I can lead a rich fantasy life, right?

Clark Family Phrase-ology

Obviously, my kids say some pretty funny things. Lately the girls have employed some very entertaining phrases (not quite as entertaining as the expletive described in the previous post, but still...). Here are just a few:

Natalie: Karli, you need to come take a bath right now.
Karli: Mom, I do not have time for this stuff!

(Music playing, Amber and Natalie are dancing and Natalie lies down to rest...what an old fogie)
Amber: Mom, get up right now!
Natalie: Just let me rest for one second. I'm kind of dizzy.
Amber: But mom, we need to do a booty dance!

Karli (while watching the movie Aquamarine): I love it when Raymond takes off his shirt.

These Damn Kids

I know what you're thinking...and no, it isn't the case. This is not my statement. It is Amber's. That's right...adorable, sweet, three-year-old Amber. Today at her cheer class, the Drama Queen herself emerged from Amber's usually pleasant personality, and as the other students ran in front of her to head to the drinking fountain, she screamed out, "I AM SO SICK OF THESE DAMN KIDS!" I instantly started laughing for two reasons: 1. I'm sure I've said that about my own kids at some point and Amber remembered it, and 2. My mom had the most horrified look on her face. It was priceless and hilarious and totally embarassing. Looks like Adam and I had better watch our mouths.

So Close...DARN IT!

I am a huge nerd when it comes to radio contests (among other things, obviously); I'll listen to a radio station all day long for weeks to win something I want. I support my concert habit this way; I've won tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish, 98 Degrees, and Enrique Iglesias through my dorky dedication to radio. In this case, I wanted to win Rascal Flatts tickets from KBUL 93. They're having a contest where they play a clip of a Rascal Flatts song backwards. The 13th caller gets a crack at guessing the song to win tickets.

This morning while driving home from work, I heard the clip and figured it was "While You Loved Me." I tried calling but didn't make the cut and forgot all about it. Then, around two o'clock this afternoon, I heard the prompt to call and dialed away. After six busy signals, I got through and was caller 13! I couldn't believe my luck. I get all giddy and nervous and excited about things like this, so my heart was pounding and I was desperately trying to ignore the three screaming tykes in the back seat so I could focus. The DJ played three different clips of the song, which didn't sound like "While You Loved Me", but I was so nervous that I just blurted out that title.

He said, "Is that your final answer?" so I said, "YES!" and he said......"Oh. No. I'm so sorry!" As soon as I agreed that the title offered was my final answer, I realized the song was "Mayberry". I hurriedly said, "Wait! Is it 'Mayberry'?" to which the DJ responded, "I'm not allowed to tell you, but that's an excellent guess!" BLAST! It was "Mayberry" and I missed my chance to go to the concert because I was starstruck and suffering from Mom-Related-Inability-To-Concentrate Syndrome. At least I won a free RF c.d. as a consolation prize. Maybe next time.

Something Fun to Try

My friend Liz made this into a tag on her blog; if you're interested, try it...it's pretty fun! Go to Google Images and type in your name. Then, post a few of the pictures. Here are a few of the other Natalie Clarks on the web:

Back to the Old Song and Dance

Just when I thought our nights of having random leftovers from the fridge and freezer for dinner because Adam was at a night class were over, suddenly we're reliving them thanks to the 4-hour-a-night Bar prep course he's taking at the U of U. It's pretty sad that just because my picky husband is gone, I make my kids suffer through dinner after dinner of freezer-burned miscellany in hopes of digging out the ice-encrusted contents to one day find the actual shelves. One of my major personality traits (flaws?) is that I hate to waste anything, so even if it's barely palatable, I'll fix it for the three of us girls. Tonight, we had a gourmet selection of pizza pockets, chicken and edamame stir fry with ginger sauce and several unidentifiable veggies, tomato soup with saltine crackers, and cold cereal (my meal of choice). I guess on the bright side, Adam will think his usual, in-class dinner of Pepsi and a Snickers bar is haute cuisine. I can't wait for the Bar exam to be over!

1989 Called...

...and they want their chandelier back. By all means, they are welcome to have it. Leslie recently found a killer deal on two new chandeliers for the entry and the dining room, and thank the heavens! The only complaint I could ever have about this truly gorgeous house were the ridiculous, too-small-Wendover-casino-imitation-luxury-brass-plated-white-trash-fabulous fixtures installed in its two grandest spaces. Seriously, whoever picked out the original lighting should be crucified at the hands of any remotely knowledgeable HGTV viewer. So, for your viewing pleasure, I proudly offer the before...

Oh, the horror! Make it go away!

...and the after. Much, much better. Fantastic, even!

I never believed the real estate gurus who swear that updating light fixtures adds mega value to a home until today. The new fixtures look amazing in real life (my feeble photography equipment and lack of skill just don't do them justice) and I could sit and look at them all day.

All Hail the Victorious Utes!

January 2, 2009 will go down in the Clark Annals of History as the best day of Utah football thus far. The Utah Utes beat Alabama in the Sugar Bowl! Do you understand how huge that is? Alabama was ranked #1 in the BCS for half of the season! All I can say is that the Utes rock, big time.

Kristi, Jake, Kinzie and Whitney came over to watch the game (what a great way to spend their second anniversary, huh?!) with our family and Greg and Leslie. We were all rooting for the Utes, but Adam, Jake and I seemed to be the most passionate fans of the bunch. Our team didn't disappoint; the first quarter was the most explosive I've seen and it was marvelous to see Barry Switzer eat his words.

This was a sweet play...just like the whole game! Playoff series and number one in the nation...here we come.

All of the kids had fun wearing Kinzie's Utes wig. Isn't red a marvelous color?

Bowling Is Our Favorite Sport

Lest you think Adam and I suddenly plunged into the twilight years of our lives or have suddenly become undeniably dorky, I mean bowl-game-watching. Yes, I am a couch potato when it comes to college football season, but I'm finding solace in my ability to stand and eat and, once in a while, jump excitedly off the couch with both of my fists clenched in reaction to a bad call or a really great play (my inner cheerleader is still alive and well) at any moment during any game. The past week has been full of great football, great food, and great fun at our house.

We cheered for Michigan State and were disappointed when they lost, but the game did make for a darling photo op. Just so you know...Adam didn't wear his MSU shirt because the game was on. He happened to wear it to bed the night before and was on his way to take a shower when I snapped this picture. Rex, on the other hand, planned his outfit carefully (read: mom is a nerd and made him wear it...go Spartans!).

Here's another darling (and planned) wardrobe-coordination moment. The Utah/Alabama Sugar Bowl was an event second in importance only to Christmas in the Clark household. We looked forward to this game for thirty-six days and are still savoring the sweet taste of victory!

Rexy and I snuggled up for some great football action. Too bad he was sick because I don't think he (or I...those sneezes and nose wipings never stop!) enjoyed the game as much as we would have otherwise.

The kids all looked darling decked out in their Utes apparel. Amber even had a red hair extension braided into her ponytail. We are red-blooded and proud of it. Go Utes!

I Swear That Kid Could Poop an Ornament

It's not just a line from "Bruce Almighty"...it really happened a few days ago. Rex is fully mobile now, so he has made his way across the floor of our house many a time, picking up and ingesting any sort of foreign object he finds along the way.

The other day, he had a stinky diaper, so I laid him down and began the oh-so-awful process of changing him. After I wiped off the offensive matter, I noticed a small, silver shard of what looked like tinsel still stuck to his (please pardon the graphic nature of the following statement, but it's imperative to the plot) rectal area. I grabbed a fresh wipe, fashioned a modified glove, and proceeded to grab the silver tinsel to remove it. To my horror, it was not just a shard. I pulled and pulled and pulled and the result was a streamer about 13 inches long! It came right out of his bum!

Can you believe it? I couldn't. How did he swallow that whole length of streamer without choking? It was a horrific and hilarious sight to behold. I think it's safe to say that Rex took the holiday celebrations a bit too far this year.

Merry, Merry Hangovers

I had so much fun getting ready for Christmas this year because Amber and Karli were actually excited about Santa Claus, and they seem to understand the purpose for the holiday, which makes it even better. I got to shop for our kids this year (after three very lean years of law-student budgets, it was grand) and I made them some cute little pajama pants to accompany the darling turquoise robes and t-shirts my mom found for the girls. Rex discovered candy canes in his stocking and decided to help himself--they are his new favorite--and the girls have spent the day playing with their Snap n' Style dolls, Princess Polly Pockets, and doodle boards while gorging on oodles of yummy junk food.
My role as Mrs. Claus kept me up way past my bedtime many a night over the past month, which explains my zombie-like state of semi-lucidity today. That said, I'm off to bed early tonight to enjoy the feeling of having nothing else to do for a few moments. Whew. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Christmas 2008

We definitely had a very, merry Christmas this year. It was busy, but very fun to be with family. Leslie bought some cute costumes for the kids to wear as they acted out the Nativity story on Christmas Eve. Amber and Karli were angels, Gracie was Mary, and Kinzie (bless her heart) was Joseph, complete with robe, head dress, and beard. She was amazing! It was darling to see the kids act out their respective parts.

Doesn't Kinzie look thrilled? She was such a good sport.

Cooper and Rex were way too cool to be a part of any organized activity, so the girls made the show go on without the two boys. Gracie obviously wanted no part of the post-performance photo shoot.

On Christmas morning, Rex loved feasting on the contents of everyone's stocking, including lip gloss, oranges with peels, baby food, candy canes, crayons, and coloring books.

Here is Karli's nighttime ensemble. Isn't it darling? I was really happy with the way the pajama pants turned out. I didn't have a pattern, so I had to wing it. The purchased robes and cute shirts made the effort of sewing for a few hours worth it.

The girls spent hours playing with their princess Polly Pockets. I joined them for a bit and it was grand to play with dolls again. I guess I loved it more than playing dress up with my real little girls because the dolls don't protest. He he he.

I'm International, Baby

I'm thrilled and flattered: I now have an international blog reader (that I know of, I mean...he he he). My sister Allison is in Copenhagen on a mission, and she met a cool gal named Mette. I found Mette on Facebook and now we are virtual friends, for which I am grateful and very happy. Welcome to my madness, Mette!

Olfaction and Sophistication

Karli has recently discovered that she can smell things and it's very entertaining to wath her squint her eyes, wrinkle up her nose, take a big whiff of the odor du jour and implore, "What is that smell like?" She's learning that her ability to use the potty and leave the terrible odor in the bathroom where it belongs is actually a good thing (ahh...brilliant!), and that cookies baking in the oven is one of the most joyful fragrances on earth.

Today, she came downstairs dressed all by herself in her favorite pajamas, holding the magnificent night light pilfered from Crown Plaza hotel by a dear friend, and said, "Mom, I've changed the green light in my room several times." I said, "Oh, really? How many times did you change it?" "Several times." she said matter-of-factly. It was so cute.

Potty training seems to have been the magic event in Karli's life; she suddenly grew up when she told me she wasn't going to wear diapers any more. It's so nice to have one baby and two "big girls" who can play together, clean up after themselves (once in a while), and with whom I can have rather interesting conversations.

It's Definitely Innuendo

If you read my post a few weeks ago about the crazy word verifications I keep finding when I leave comments on my friends' blogs, here's the mother of them all (now I know the geeks are plotting and laughing their heads off). I just had to type this word when I commented on Tiffany's blog: rearbear. Nice.

The Hands of a Hard-Working Desert Dweller

Since they are truly a horrifying sight to behold, I've refrained from posting a picture of my poor, scaly, and utterly-cracked hands. I've always had trouble with dry skin (especially in these wonderful winter climates), but this year seems to be the worst ever. At this moment, I have 31 cuts/cracks on my hands, and despite my best efforts, they will not heal. I couldn't even buckle my kids in their car seats today because my skin hurt too badly. Yikes, huh?! Vaseline and socks at night doesn't fix the problem, nor does Amlactin or Eucerin. Does anyone have a solution to this woe? I'm desperate!

Adorable Futility

Read the previous post and you'll know why I needed twelve tiaras today. What you won't find out is how the original, "real" tiaras made of rhinestones that I ordered two weeks ago didn't even get shipped, so I pulled an all-nighter crafting these beauties from random hosehold items. The process took seven hours, and considering how nothing seemed to go right regarding uniforms for my two teams' competition today, genereated a grand amount of frustration and grumbling. I cut the marquis parts from foam core with an Exacto knife (yikes...my fingers are blistered), hot glued them to some ghetto headbands from the grocery store, added wire loops for bobby pins, wrapped the bands with silver ribbon, and dipped the marquis sections in glue and glitter. I was thoroughly proud of my finished product and put-out by the process (my ability to pull all-nighters left me shortly after I became pregnant with Amber), but once the gals had the tiaras on their heads, it was worth it. They looked so cute!

Moments before my team was to run onto the mat to compete, the competition "boss" came over and informed me that cheerleaders were not allowed to wear tiaras; we had two choices: take them off or receive a 5-point-per-judge penalty. So I frantically grabbed three moms and we ripped the tiaras off as fast as we could, making some of the cheerleaders cry...not because it hurt their heads, but because they wanted to be bling-ed out for the competition. I was really glad I went to all the trouble to make those darn things!

Cheery Little Princesses

Amber and Karli participated in their first cheer competition today and they did a great job! I coach their team, the Flash All Stars Tiny Tots, and their routine has a princess theme. I mixed the music with selections from "Drama Queen" by Lindsay Lohan, "Lip Gloss" by 'Lil Mama, and "Happy Working Song" from the Enchanted soundtrack. The uniforms are extra princess-y thanks to those adorable tutus under the skirts, plenty of rhinestones, and some cute tiaras. All twelve of my students looked absolutely darling and they got a standing ovation from the crowd (sympathy ovations are just as good as any, right?).

Since I was running around like a mad woman, trying to arrange everyone's tiara, pass out uniforms (gotta love the last-minute operation I get sucked into by my boss), keep Karli from throwing a fit, direct moms, apply lipstick to twelve little mouths, etc., I didn't actually have time to tape or photograph the routine in progress. The team suffered a bit of stage fright, and made some dazzling improvisations to the choreography, but all in all, they were so cute and tried their hardest and it was one of my proudest moments to date.

Here are the pretty princesses after the competition; Karli couldn't wait to have her hair taken out of those two messy buns. She hates having her hair fixed any way but "like Madeline's". They are also missing their tiaras...those really complete the look (even more than the pirate smiles seen here).
Karli seemed to be intimidated by all the commotion, but when she ran out on the floor to compete, she was a star! I was so thrilled that she did a great job (she's the youngest in her class and still gets a bit distracted once in a while).

Amber looked adorable with her cherry red lipstick, mascara, blush, and tiara on. She kept checking herself out and shaking her booty, and saying, "Oh! I look fancy!". It was darling! She and Karli both sang "Happy Working Song" at the top of their lungs during the routine at the competition. I'm telling you...these kids are talented. They sing and dance (Disney Channel, here they come), which is probably why they won third place. Not too shabby for a bunch of first-timers!