Mega-Massive Monster Meldown

Well, it happened. I should be glad that it took this long to occur, but I'm not. I'm talking about the ultra-fits that everyone else's kids throw right in the middle of a crowded store, and the darn parents don't take their screaming, slobbering child to the car immediately to spare humanity the gross annoyance of said fit. I AM THAT PARENT! I'm so ashamed!

Amber, Karli, Rex and I ventured to Kid 2 Kid (after my lucrative drawer de-clutter, I had lots of cute things to sell) which was swamped to the gills with parents and children. Since it is such a chore to even get all four of us out the door, I waged the war and decided to stick out our shopping trip despite the crowd. After convincing the workers to look at my stuff (I didn't know appointments are necessary), I hunkered down with a massive laundry basket to accommodate my ridiculous shopping habit of taking everything remotely interesting off the rack and carrying it around with me until the moment of truth arrives and I sort through all of the possibilities.

I found a bunch of darling things for all three kids, all new, and dirt cheap. Amber and Karli ran right over to the book section and removed every single tome from the shelves, spread them all over the floor, and made a gigantic mess of the entire west wall. Amber had it in her mind that she would procure a Belle dress on this trip despite several reminders from me and Adam that she would not be getting one (her birthday is in three weeks, after all). Upon realizing the Belle dresses remained unperused and that I was nearing the end of my procurement phase of shopping (meaning a graceful exit from the store was immanent), she whined, "Mom, can I pleeeeaaase get a Belle dress?" I said, "Before I even consider looking at them, you and Karli need to pick up the books."

She immediately started crying and screaming "I can't do it! You have to help me...right now!" complete with the foot stomps, attitude...the whole routine. I calmly said, "Honey, you can do it. Start with the biggest book and pick it up and put it on the shelf." Then it really got bad. Amber has a completely resonant, high-pitched, glass-shattering wail which she loosed at that very moment and I could actually see every person's arm hair stand straight on end. I carefully put my hands on her shoulders and explained to her that her behavior was unacceptable, she'd have to go to the car if she kept it up, and that there was absolutely no way she'd get anything if she didn't stop right then. Alas, my rational attempts were futile and I knew that a trip to the car was necessary. I was, however, guilt ridden because of the humongous pile of clothes I garnered without being able to re-rack and I was selfishly attached to my one moment of "free" shopping, so I quickly began returning items to their places and futilely shushing Amber all the while.

I stashed the items I planned to buy under a rack of clothes and gingerly marched the kids to the car (I'm almost certain I heard applause coming from the store...). I buckled them in, locked the doors, and returned to the store to complete my transaction (don't call Protective Services, the car was parked right in front of the store and I had full view of the kids the whole time). My face was flaming red, my body temperature was now at least ten degrees above normal, and my neck hurt from all the tension. I thought my problems were over, but I was soooo wrong!

Amber unbuckled her seat belt and proceeded to remove all of her clothing. She was still screaming and wailing, so everyone in the store could hear/see her. I already felt terrible for leaving my kids in the car unattended, but darn it, I was going to buy those clothes! Then, she climbed into the front seat and pressed the horn repeatedly. Keep in mind that the car was at most twenty feet from the cash register, and every single person in that store was staring at me and Amber. I asked the worker if they bought naughty kids to sell to other people and she said, "Well, I can't have kids, so sometimes I think I'd even take the naughty ones." She wasn't trying to be mean, but I felt even worse! The very moment the exchange was complete, I raced to the car, buckled an undie-clad Amber in her seat, threw her baby wolf in the trunk (ahhh...leverage), and raced out of the parking lot.

Poor Karli and Rex; they were so quiet and angelic during the whole episode. I had to blast the stereo during the whole ride home to drown out Amber's hellish wails and I think the others may have lost their hearing due to hyper-decibel-ism. I couldn't even function for the rest of the day because I was so exhausted. I've learned my lesson, though: no article of clothing is worth suffering through something like that. At the very hint of a future fit, I'm heading straight to the car and finding sanctuary.