Why Don't Things Just Work Out?

Today has been a day where everything that could go wrong has, with the wonderful exception of our excursion to Chuck E. Cheese's to meet my dear friend Elaine and her three handsome sons (Amber and Miles are betrothed, remember?). Upon waking, I immediately fired up this not-so-trusty, old Clark desktop to print some coupons for the aforementioned outing. Adam turned off the computer last night (despite the continuous use of electricity, I'm willing to pay the price for convenient access to the Web), so I pushed the power button and went to the kitchen to fetch some breakfast. Of course, we were out of milk, because I couldn't go to the grocery store last night because my wonderful, thoughtful, helpful, and conscientious employer informed me three days after I was supposed to receive my February paycheck that they had "permanently switched" our pay day from the 15th to the 20th of each month. Yes, I love the company for which I work (can you sense the sarcasm?).

Fast forward thirty minutes, when I walk back into the office, and the computer still is not ready to go. Three programs that open at start-up are not responding (this is the joy of using someone else's computer...I can't delete the programs or change the settings) and it takes me another twelve minutes to get online. Once I make it to the Chuck E. Cheese website, the computer freezes. All the while, Amber has sharted in her panties and removed them, Rex has produced a major diaper explosion that is leaking onto my pajamas, and Karli managed to smear jam all over herself. Did I mention we all had to be clean and out the door in thirty minutes?

To make matters worse, I absolutely had to send a fax this morning. The fax machine was naturally not working, so I tried to fix the problem. After diagnosing that there was no dial tone, the fax machine instructed me to check the wall jack, which I would have happily done, were it not cloistered behind two massive wall units filled with files, books, kitsch, and office supplies that brought the total weight to at least half a ton. Finally I unplugged the phone, plugged in the fax machine, and was thrilled to have at least one task accomplished.

After the kids bathed and Amber cried for ten minutes because I wouldn't retrieve her clean Belle panties from an undisclosed location downstairs, I jumped in the shower, dressed, and had everyone ready to go at 9:00 a.m., right on schedule. I opened the door and was met with the screeching wail of the alarm which Adam set last night and told me about while I was semi-lucid (of course, I don't recall him saying anything about the alarm). I quickly ran upstairs to find the remote, turned off the alarm, tried to comfort three terrified and screaming children, and herded them all out to the car. I buckled them in and ran inside just to catch the phone call from the security company.

Since I was now late for work, I told them I was Leslie Clark to avoid any further delay. I said I was on my way to work, forgot the alarm was on, and opened the door. The technician said, "Great, I'm glad you're alright. What is your password, please?" Hmmm. I had no clue, so I said I couldn't remember it and that I didn't have time to go find it. I said, "I think it's Granada Hills" to which the technician said, "Okay, thank you." I hopped in the car and answered a call from Leslie, telling me the police were on the way to the house because I gave the security company the wrong password. Thank heavens I have such a great mother-in-law, because she ironed out all the problems and I was finally on my way to work.

Now that I'm all worn out from reliving my morning, I'll refrain from detailing the rest of the day's mishaps, but I will mention that Amber has yet again lost her blankie "for good" (famous last words...this time I'm serious and I'm not making any more!), she's still not asleep, and her room is a disaster because she "was just too busy in" her "room to take a nap". AAARRRGGH!